Relaxation

There are certain things about being an adult that I didn’t “get” when I was a child or teenager. Whenever my mom, despite her exhaustion, would flit about the house cleaning and tidying, I would tell her to relax, to sit down. She would respond that she couldn’t relax until everything was clean.

I didn’t get it then, but now I do.

I can – and do – sit down when I am tired, but the level of relaxation is not nearly so complete if my house is in shambles around me. It irks me and my mind is not at ease. “Ridiculous,” the 13-year-old in me would say. The 25-year-old me just can’t help snapping, “It needs to get done, and if I don’t do it now, it will never get done; you’re certainly not helping.” To which the 13-year-old responds, “Oh no, please, please, please don’t say that … you are becoming … your mother!”

Having recently moved, I feel like my house is in shambles (still) and all of the to-dos are piling up. And decorating/home improvement projects are surpassing everyday tasks on my list of priorities … probably because they are more fun. I will confess, I haven’t cleaned the master bathroom toilet since we moved into the new house. That is shameful and downright disgusting. (I have, however, cleaned the guest bath, because guests can’t know I am that bad of a housekeeper … shhhhhhh!) I have also purchased ribbon, cloth and fabric glue and custom created a valence for the guest bathroom. So at least one bathroom is pretty and clean … glass half full, people.

Every time I go home from work, my mind races with things that need to be done: grocery shop, cook dinner, clean up after dinner, vacuum, pay bills, water the plants, do laundry, make phone calls, etc. And those things don’t leave much time for the other things on my list: build shelves in the garage, sew curtains, actually UNPACK the dozens of boxes still in the closet, or hang pictures on the wall. Two months in, I still don’t have any pictures on the wall, except for one … in the guest bathroom, actually.

I find it odd, in fact, that the master bathroom, which gets a whole lot more use than the guest bath, only has a pillow case hanging over the window. (Just keeping in classy, ya’ll.)

But back to my point (is there a point?) about relaxation. Sometimes, when everything is a mess (literally and figuratively), it is hard to quiet my mind enough to just enjoy life. And try as I might to make it otherwise, I am realizing that most of the time life is simply a mess (again, literally and figuratively). So what am I to do with that?

The only answer I have comes from my 13-year-old self. Reorder my priorities. Actually enjoying time with the people I care about is much more valuable than a clean bathroom. Train my nagging brain and its never-ending chore checklists to shut up already! Accept the fact that my house will never be perfectly tidy, and give myself permission not to unpack the last box until 2012 (It will have been so long since I’ve seen those things, it will seem like Christmas. See? Glass half full.)

Of course these things are all easier said than done … which is why I will be spending the majority of my “relaxation” time in the only tidy, decorated place in the house … the guest bathroom.

Next on the list … ?

I am a planner, a planner by nature. I like to make lists … OK, I LOVE to make lists. I compulsively make lists. If you looked in my purse right now, you would probably find five or six different lists: shopping lists (subdivided by store, of course), to-do lists (in order of what is most urgent), packing lists (going on an early 3rd anniversary weekend getaway to Atlanta) and lists planning events (like my upcoming Kentucky Derby party).

The thing is, even though I love, love, love to plan, I really do not love to do the things on my lists. But lately, I have been struggling even more with the doing part. Somehow I feel like if I write it down, that counts for something. I was planning on sewing those new curtains after all. See? It’s written down. Who cares if it is 2 months later?

But not doing is a serious problem. My lists get out of control, and I get stressed out … so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to start. So I do nothing, which helps nothing. I have learned in that past few years that I am not an intrinsically motivated person. I feed off other people, whether it is from their good or bad traits. When I was in high school, I used other people’s negative life choices to motivate me to make different choices. When I was in college, I surrounded myself with highly motivated people who made me want to “go places” in life.

Now, I feel isolated at times. Sure, I have friends, but unlike in high school or college, they are not so closely in tune with where I am in life. We are not making the same life choices (such as where to go to college, what to study, what internship to apply for). So I have to learn to motivate myself, and I’m not as good at it as I would like to be.

Part of the problem is that – this is going to sound kind of snobbish and elitist, and I really don’t want it to come across that way – I have been blessed enough to have accomplished most of my major life goals.

Let me explain.

My whole life I was motivated by making a different life for myself than the one in which I grew up. I was going to move away from that dinky, loser town, get a college education, have a career, meet a great guy, get married, be financially stable and buy a house.

By the grace of God, those things have happened for me. And I am so incredibly grateful and don’t want to sound like I am rubbing it in anyone’s face, for I certainly do not deserve an ounce of it.
But what is next?

I know some of you are thinking, “Well, logically speaking, children are next.” But I don’t know that I am ready for that one yet. (This could be a whole other post.)

For the first time in my life, I don’t know what’s next on my checklist of goals. In fact, I don’t even have a list. And that weirds me out. And makes me incredibly unmotivated. I’m not complaining; this isn’t a bad place to be. My husband reminds me that I really, really stink at just “being,” soaking in the moment, loving where I am.

Maybe that is what is next: learning to just be, to live in the now, to be joyful and grateful for all of God’s gifts, to stop and smell the proverbial roses.

So here I am, my unmotivated self, praying about what I should be excited about next in life. And praying that I would be excited about NOW.

More of my favorite things …

I am starting to feel like Oprah here (who, incidentally, is not on my list of favorite things) as I start my second list. But my first list was so well received (by all four of my readers) that I thought you all must be dying to know more of my newfound loves.

KittenCam
http://www.ustream.tv/ offers live streaming for webcams, and the latest trend is for people to watch their pets. I have been watching a litter of rescued kittens and their mama, and it has become a staple of my workday. I keep the KittenCam up and check it periodically. It makes the day so much better. I have watched this litter from the time they were two weeks old, with eyes just opening, unable to do anything but squirm to their mother’s belly to eat. Now they are running about, pouncing, playing, and will soon be adopted. I have named them all, and will be sad to see them go. But I am sure I can find a new litter to follow. Actually, I have found a litter of puppies and a squirrel nest that are fun to watch too.

Patio furniture
Spring is finally here, and I am loving every second of the perfect weather. I have now adopted the habit of eating dinner outside, using my new patio furniture. Somehow eating on the patio, listening to the birds chirping makes for a much more relaxing dinner. All I can say is "A-maze-ing." Do it, people; you won't regret it.

GoogleReader
I was surprised to find out how many people don’t know about GoogleReader. People, get with the program. Maybe it is just me, but I LOVE getting mail. I LOVE getting email. Which is why I love GoogleReader. You use it to subscribe to any blog that you read, and everytime something new is posted, it goes to your Reader “inbox.” It is so exciting. Plus, it is very convenient. Instead of having to bookmark everyone’s blog and go to each site, Reader checks all of them for you and keeps everything in one place. I LOVE IT. And it comes with your gmail account, and everyone knows that all the cool kids have gmail.

Iced Chai Tea Lattes
Can I confess something? I have an addiction and it’s getting serious. As a tea drinker, Starbucks isn’t usually on the top of my list, but they have been upping their tea selection. The Iced Chai Tea Latte is a classic, but man-oh-man, it has me hooked. I can’t justify paying for one of these Starbucks treats everyday, but thankfully I don’t have to. Did you know that you can buy the Tazo chai mix – the exact same stuff Starbucks uses – in the tea section of any grocery store? (And the grocery store offers a decaf option that is not available at the coffee shop.) For just a little more than the price of one drink at Starbucks, you can make about five drinks. All you need to add is ice and milk and you have the exact drink they sell you at the coffee shop. That’s a defninite WIN for me. I may or may not be drinking these every morning …

I never want to forget

I was instant messaging my dear friend, Erin, today, and she reminded me of how blessed I am, and how often I forget to be grateful. There are so many wonderful blessings I have now, and I never want to forget to be thankful for them.

It makes me think back to a time when I had so much less than I have now – and yet, I had so much, so very, very much. I was aware of it at the time, and I was grateful for it. But looking back, I can see even more clearly, how wonderful that time of being “poor” really was.

Please bear in mind, when I say “poor” I don’t want to make light of the fact that even then, I had more than probably 80% of the world’s population. I had food, clothing, shelter, clean water, and many, many amenities that so many people never experience. So please understand, when I say “poor” I understand how much I had, and how blessed I was.

When I say we were “poor,” I mean that both Steve and I were working part-time, low-paying jobs, with no health insurance, and barely paying the bills at the end of the month. New clothes were out of the question, and so was eating out.

But those times taught me to enjoy and be creative with what I had. And it taught me to appreciate the little things. I remember one time my mom sent us $20 and said to do something fun. We went to A&W and got burgers, fries and root beer floats. It was pure LUXURY!

In that first year and a half, Steve worked a job that, by most people’s standards, was a dead-end, menial labor, part-time job that paid very little: he hauled junk. But I never want to forget the wonderful things that came of it. Like the super cute shoes I am wearing right now. It was amazing the things that people threw out, as trash! I have several brand-new or like-new pairs of shoes that Steve brought home to me. And these were just the things he found in my size – countless other items were casually tossed out by people with more money than sense. (They didn’t even take them to Goodwill, but don’t worry, Steve did. No use in filling our landfills with perfectly useful, wonderful things.) I have several jackets, backpacks, a brand spankin’ new – still-sealed-in-the-box – DVD player, a year’s supply of Mary Kay products, a 16th map of the United States (quite valuable it turns out), framed art and a lovely accent table.

One of our favorite “junk” finds was the set of tennis rackets Steve brought home. We spent several nights a week in the city park, learning to play tennis, having fun – and all it cost was $2 for a can of three tennis balls that lasted all summer.

One of things I miss about those days was the time we had together. With both of us working part-time, we were able to spend the early months of our marriage together. Lately, with both of us working full-time, overtime and opposite shifts from each other, time together is a precious commodity. Even though we can now afford brand new tennis gear, I can’t remember that last time we had time to play tennis together. I am thankful that we were able to build a foundation with the abundance of time together in the early days.

I am not trying to say that it was all roses and peaches. We were stressed about making rent. What if one of us got sick? We had no health insurance? I remember having to have a blood test done: my doctor refused to refill my absolutely-necessary-for-life thyroid prescription (thank goodness for $4 prescriptions!) without a standard blood test … that just happened to cost $400. I had to fill out financial hardship paperwork with the lab, to get them to discount the test. It was disheartening and embarrassing.

I was interesting to watch how people treated us when we were “poor.” There were the people who remembered what it was like to be just starting out, and the people who had forgotten. Some people were so wonderful to us, sending us Kroger gift cards and giving us hand-me-downs. Others treated us like we were such sticks-in-the-mud when we didn’t join the group going out to eat after church, and eyed our homemade Christmas gifts with disappointment and disdain.

Those people taught me that I always want to remember what it is like to not have much. I never want to forget that going out for a burger, fries and float really is a luxury. I should never take for granted a routine test paid for by my health insurance.

One of my most treasured memories was our first married Christmas. I desperately wanted a Christmas tree. Steve hoped someone would toss out an artificial tree (he is allergic to real trees) before Christmas, but no one did. We figured everyone must toss out their trees after Christmas, and buy a brand new one during the after-holidays sales. I didn’t want our first Christmas together to be un-Christmas-y, so we went to Target and priced the artificial variety. Can I say waaaaaaaaaaaay out of price range? I was heartbroken, but resolved to decorate our little bamboo houseplant with the few ornaments we already owned. Then one day, a week before Christmas, I came home to find a very excited husband and a crooked, shedding, half-lit Charlie Brown Christmas tree leaning in the corner! Steve had found a tree at the last minute and dragged it up to our second floor apartment. We scrounged up enough money to buy a stand, some new lights and a few cheap glass bulbs, and it was Christmas! I still consider it one of the most romantic things Steve ever did for me. To this day, we still have and use that tree, and I don’t ever want to replace it. You can’t buy memories like that.

This photo was taken after the "poor" years. But notice the very crooked, leaning, beautiful Charlie Brown Christmas tree that reminds us that in everything, we should be thankful.

2 a.m. Terror

I dozed off on the couch last night … at 9 p.m. Obviously I was tuckered out. So I trundled off to bed and quickly fell into a heavy slumber. Around 2 a.m., I awoke ­– startled – to a terrible, horrifying, deep-throated, loud, rattling, choking sound. I sat up. The sound was coming from downstairs. My mind raced and quickly came up with a likely reason for the awful noise. Grover (my cat) must be choking on the mother of all hairballs, or even worse, being strangled in the blinds. Since Grover never once has had a hairball, I dismissed that theory and immediately thought the worst: my precious pet was in peril!

I sprang from the bed and dashed through the darkness to aid my ensnared feline. But as I reached the bedroom doorway, I heard the teeniest, sleepiest, cutest “meow” coming from the corner of the bedroom where Grover enjoys napping. “What’s the ruckus all about and why did you have to wake me up?” the kitty communicated with the little squeak. My sleepy mind raced. If Grover was OK (whew!), what on earth was that awful racket coming from downstairs?

I came to the obvious conclusion. Someone had broken into our house and was now having a heart attack and dying on my kitchen floor.

I froze in the doorway, thinking a thousand jumbled thoughts: Steve’s not here. What am I going to do? If he (the burglar) is having a heart attack, he can’t be that dangerous. I should go downstairs and make sure there actually is a burglar and make sure he actually is dying – then I can call 911. No wait! If for some reason he isn’t dying, just hacking up a lung or something, he might be dangerous. I need a weapon. And my cell phone.

As I stood in doorway and contemplated weapon choices (Where was that mini baseball bat?), again I heard the violent, scraping, snarlish, ear-racking noise. Except it wasn’t coming from downstairs.

It was coming from the guest bedroom – just down the hallway.

And that’s when the light bulb turned on. My mother-in-law, whose faults are very few, was nearly ripping the paint off the walls with the ferocity of her snores.

Giggling, both at the impossibility of such a lovely human being able to make such a horrific, explosive sound (and not wake up!) and at my comical cognitive reaction, I shut my bedroom door and tiptoed back bed.

After all, I had four hours to sleep until my alarm went off.

The best part about buying a house …

... is knowing that you don’t have to move again for a long, long time.

Who actually enjoys moving? I have never heard of anyone. But the good news is that all of our earthy belongings are now in the new house. Unpacked? Where they are supposed to be? Decorated? Of course not. But it will get there, and I have plenty of time to do it.

It’s nice to be home.

My new loves

Since my last update, I have developed some new loves in my life, things that are trivial, but wonderful and make me happy. I want to share them with you:

1. Cover Girl foundation for Sensitive Skin. I don’t even have sensitive skin, so I am not sure what inspired me to buy this … but I am sure glad I did! It feels like you are putting lotion on your face. Then it soaks in and doesn’t make your face feel cakey, dry or covered in anything. It feels like you are wearing nothing. And it looks like you are wearing nothing … but in a good way. When I wear this foundation, my skin looks so smooth and even, but you can’t tell I have foundation on. It is fantastic. It is once of those products that really makes you look better, but you can’t really pinpoint why … it just makes your skin look like it is naturally beautiful … even if it is naturally blotchy and uneven. The powder in the compact the CG makes gives you that nice airbrushed look, like on the cover of a magazine. However, it does make my skin feel a tad dry, but I am prone to dryness. BTW, my shade is “buff beige.” I like that. I am buff … and beige.

2. Walgreens. To be honest, I never understood how Walgreens stayed in business … that is, until I started working at my current job. Until recently, the only time I frequented a Walgreens was to pick up photos. Then I started working in an urban area, with only a half-hour lunch break. If I had errands to run, I better be able to knock them out in one stop. Enter Walgreens. In the past few weeks I have purchased: makeup, sugar-free chocolate, stick-on Velcro and packing tape. I ask you, where else could you buy Velcro and chocolate in one transaction? For your convenience, wide variety of goods and proximity to my place of employment, I salute you, Walgreens.

3. Yoplait Thick & Creamy Light yogurt. I have never been much of a yogurt lover. It wasn’t that I didn’t like yogurt, it was just that I was ambivalent toward it. Well, that has changed, and I am not particularly sure why. But let me tell you, this variety of yogurt, in either the cinnamon roll (weird, I know, but it really, really tastes just like a cinnamon roll!) or vanilla flavors are just dreamy. Try them.

4. Lentils. Another strange food craving I have been having is for lentils. They are (in case you were wondering) a member of the legume family, but unlike dried beans, lentils do not need to be soaked before cooking. Lentils are low in calories, high in fiber, minerals and protein – a super food! Oh, and did I mention that, just like dried beans, lentils are very, very inexpensive. I made some lentil soup last night, To. Die. For. I based it off this recipe. Also, while doing research on lentils I found this recipe, which replaces some of the flour and nuts in brownies (!!!) with lentils, to make them healthier. I am intrigued and may have to try this!

5. Barley. Yum, yum! I recommend replacing white rice with barley in soups, sides, stir-fries, whatever. Seriously delish! And if you want to try barley without committing to buying a pound of the dried stuff, try Progresso’s Savory Vegetable Barley Light soup. That is what got me hooked. Now I am cooking barley on my own; it is relatively cheap, and very healthy. Yay whole grains! If you are interested in integrating more whole grains into your diet, the March issue of Everyday with Rachael Ray had this great article with tons of creative recipes.

6. Simon’s Cat. If you have ever had a cat, you will think this is funny. And if you don’t think this is funny, there must be something wrong with you. Sorry, it’s true.

7. www.thepioneerwoman.com: My dear friend, Becca, introduced me to this site, and my oh my, how I love it. I especially love her true love story about how she met and married her hunky husband. It makes me want to write down the saga of Steve and my relationship. Maybe I will do begin to blog about this. What do you think? (Oh, and beware when you start reading Pioneer Woman’s blog. I ended up staying up until 1:30 a.m. last night reading, and had to be awake at 5:30 a.m. But it was worth it! And I don’t take giving up my sleep lightly, so you know it is good)

8. Jacob Black. Yes, people, I might have a teeny, tiny (ahem) crush on the werewolf in Twilight. While I will tell you that it is the character in the book and movies that I am attracted to, it doesn’t hurt that Taylor Lautner is so delicious. Yes, I am aware that he just turned 18 … which makes me a slightly creepy cougar. And this blog was supposed to be about embracing my age …